Into Great Silence

On Returning to the Monastery, Again

Hello Spark Zen Readers! I hope you’re doing well today. The above photo has nothing to do with entering a monastery. However, since I snapped it in a Chinatown shop a few weeks before starting my first 90-day practice period at Tassajara, it reminds me of the early days of my spiritual journey. Read below for more information on what’s happening now, and now, and now . . .

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“I don’t want to waste any more time.”

That’s what I said aloud to myself while sitting in my car with the engine idling on an unfamiliar, winding country road. It was a hot, June morning in 2008. I had just spent the last 3.5 days driving 1,800 miles from Austin, TX; and now I was just 15 miles from my destination: Tassajara Zen Mountain Center, which is nestled in a creek-crossed valley in the Ventana Wilderness of Northern California.

Back then, I had no idea how long my monastic sabbatical was going to last. Initially, I thought I’d just stay for six months. But life had other plans, and my sabbatical morphed into a way of life. The Way of Zen.

Back then, I had no idea that the phrase “Don’t waste this life” was inscribed on the five-sided wooden “gong” that monks strike to signal the 15-minute countdown before a period of meditation begins. Since then, I’ve struck that “gong” countless times and heard its sonorous sound resounding through the valley.

Back then, I had no idea what life would be like once I entered the monastery. It was a profound practice (though at the time, I wouldn’t have called it that) of not-knowing. Being with the uncertainty that is life—back then, not-knowing generated a lot of anxiety in this heart-body-mind.

Images from the early days: getting my hair shaved off; me and my teacher; at the monastery bathhouse; that's me with Mako-san, now the new Abbot at City Center.

With the car stopped for a moment where Cachagua Road meets Tassajara Road, my ostensible choices were to turn around, turn onto an unknown road, or continue on the path I set for myself—entering the monastery to put Zen at the center of my life. Even back then, I knew that had I turned away from Tassajara, I’d only be turning away from myself—again.

“I respectfully urge you who study the mystery, do not spend your days and nights in vain.” This admonition is the last line of a well-loved, often-chanted poem called the Sandokai in Japanese. In English, the title of this poem by Chinese Zen master Sekito Kisen (Ch. Shitou Xiqian, 700-790) is usually translated as “The Harmony of Difference and Equality” or “The Identity of Relative and Absolute.” Two wonderful books on the Sandokai are the classic one titled Branching Streams Flow in the Darkness by Shunryu Suzuki and Inside the Grass Hut: Living Shitou's Classic Zen Poem by Ben Connelly.

Discussing the importance and profundity of this poem is not the purpose of this post. It’s just that these words about “not wasting time” are helpful admonition for me. I’m acutely aware of how I waste time during my everyday routine while living at the urban temple of San Francisco Zen Center. For me, it’s more difficult to remember how transient life is and to study The Way as if to save my head from fire when I’m outside the monastery gates.

When Abbot Mako invited me to participate in this fall practice period, which is her first as the Abbot, I was excited and grateful. Mako-san and I met during the summer of 2008 when I was a brand new resident. I’ve since spent a total of 7 years living at Tasssajara. However, it’s been close to 4.5 years since I’ve participated in a cloistered 90-day practice period. I’m very much looking forward to departing this Thursday, Sept. 21st with new and returning students as we caravan from San Francisco to Tassajara, where we’ll study The Great Mystery of life and death.

So what’ll happen to Spark Zen while I’m living at Tassajara? Good question. For those of you who are curious about what life is like in real time (well, sort of!) at a Sōto Zen monastery, you’re in luck! This post is the inaugural one for a new Spark Zen section titled “Monastic Dispatches.”

My intention is to post words and photos a few times a week about daily life behind the monastery gates. Given that the schedule at Tassajara is out of sync with the typical rhythm of the five-day work week, I’m not sure I’ll be able to maintain a routine publishing schedule. Please know that I will do my best to stay connected with you.

So please keep subscribing to get a monk’s eye view of life at Tassajara. It’ll be an adventure for sure!

One of several five-sided wooden “gongs” at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center that are used to call the resident monks to the meditation hall.

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